Good idea: Friday night barbecue with friends, plenty of delicious food, kids playing in the backyard while the adults drink and play a frisbee game (which, by the way, I don’t know how to throw a frisbee without endangering others around me). Bad idea: trying dresses on for an up-coming wedding after eating and drinking for 3 straight hours. What can I say, when I came home from the barbecue, I was feeling confident, pretty and ready to model a few dresses (the grand thoughts of a drunk person). I should have known when I tried putting my Spanx on that it was going to be ugly. Putting Spanx on after max bloating is like pulling jeggings on after putting lotion on your legs. Things were just not fitting easily, but I was tipsy enough to continue the fashion show. I put my first dress on, and of course I could not zip it up, so I called Jamie in to help.
Jamie: “Ummm…did you try this dress on before?”
Me: “Yes.”
Jamie: “Recently?”
Me: “Ugh, yes, yesterday!”
Jamie: “Did it fit?”
Me: “Yes! It just has a temperamental zipper.”
Jamie: “Hmm, how much did you eat today?”
Me: “Just zip the damn dress!”
It finally zipped, and Jamie said it looked nice. However, I could not breathe. I looked in the mirror and I shouted that I could see my back fat. And Jamie said, “Yeah, that was the stuff that was blocking the zipper!” Geez, he was being so very honest. He reminded me that right now it was the end of the night, and on the day of the wedding I’d be putting the dress on earlier in the day before all the eating and drinking, so he was hopeful that I wouldn’t rip the dress if I sneezed that day.
I tried on another dress, and we encountered more zipper back fat speed bumps, but it eventually fit. Still, I couldn’t breathe or laugh. There’d be zero chance I could drop it low on the dance floor at the wedding if I wore any of these dresses. Feeling defeated, I took the dress off, peeled off my Spanx, and called it a night. Jamie tried to tell me that I looked beautiful in both of the dresses, but I felt jiggly. He said I was appropriately jiggly. Thanks, I think?
I guess I learned that it is not smart to try dresses on after a night of eating and drinking. Also, Spanx aren’t the miracle workers I was hoping they’d be. And since I’m not willing to give up drinking or barbecues, Jamie said we’re just going to crush it for the next few weeks during out workouts to prepare for the wedding. And then he made a ton of pancakes for us. Are moo-moos acceptable for wedding attire?!?
The Mundame 