It was a long, fun summer, and then before I knew it, the first day of school crept up on us. During those long days of whining and kids fighting, I couldn’t wait for school to start. And now my two monsters are both gone, and I actually missed them. My anxiety usually flies pretty high right before school starts, mostly excited for the kids’ new beginnings, and also nervous for myself for the upcoming crazy school and extra curricular schedules. For Reese, my new 3rd grader, I was nervous about how she would do for her first year getting actual grades, plus balancing all of her sports and dance after school. The truth is, she’ll do fine because she loves school, but I’ll be the one struggling with helping her do homework and then driving her all over creation to all of her practices. Jamie did tell her that this year she will be getting letter grades on her report card and that “We get straight A’s in this house!” I about fell over when I heard that come out of his mouth…he’s not even the Asian parent! That was perhaps one of the sexiest moments for me (the other was when he used a coupon at Bed Bath and Beyond without even being prompted to do so). She verbalized understanding of the warning, but we’ll see if she follows through.
Every year, I take Reese’s picture by our tree with her new grade sign, then I watch her get on the bus. I missed this moment last year because I was in the hospital getting my chemo, so this day was extra special for me, as I was grateful to just be there to witness her excitement in person. I met her at the school and watched her line up with her class. As she walked in, I yelled, “Do awesome things!” But my eyes screamed, “I miss you already, don’t forget about me, you still need me.” And off she went, my sweet and sassy independent girl.
For Evan, he’s just starting Kindergarten. He has been nervous all summer, right up until the night before his first day. He has been nervous about learning how to read and write, and having homework for the first time. He has clearly seen from the past few years that homework time can be pretty tense between Reese and me sometimes, especially when I can’t get her to concentrate or give a shit about a damn number line. He is not looking forward to that “special” homework time with me. Despite all his fears, he told me today that he was “giddy” about starting Kindergarten. As he was eating lunch and I was getting his “Kindergarten” sign ready for his traditional back to school photo, we had a nice mother/son conversation:
Me: “I’m so excited for your first day of Kindergarten! I can’t believe it!”
Evan: “But aren’t you sad?”
Me: (holding in my tears) “No! Why would I be sad?”
Evan: “Because you’re going to be alone. You won’t have a partner anymore to work with you and be with you.”
Me: (holding in more tears) “You’re right, it’s going to be lonely. But my job and Daddy’s job is to get you guys ready to be independent in life. So I’m proud of us for doing a good job and proud of you for being so ready for school. I’m just so…hey, stop touching my Kindergarten sign with your greasy hands! That’s for your picture. You’re going to rip it! I’m trying to have a moment with you, can you focus please?” (Moment dead)
For that brief moment, it was like he knew I was sad, even in my attempts to hype him up for his big day. But what’s a mom to do? We put a brave face on every time to help our kids get through challenging times, even if we’re crying inside. Jamie came home from work just to see Evan off, and also to watch me bawl my eyes out. We took lots of pictures of him, and he looked thrilled. At the school, the kids lined up and parents watched and took pictures. Evan looked excited and scared. His teacher instructed the kids to look at their parents and blow them kisses goodbye. He wouldn’t blow me or Jamie a kiss, and for a moment he looked really unsure of himself, like maybe he wanted to cry or run to me. I could tell he was holding a lot back. I told him, “It’s all good, babe, I see you. I know how you feel on the inside. Go be awesome!” Then he waved to us and marched right into the school with the rest of the kids. Once he couldn’t see me anymore, I lost my shit and started crying. I wore big sunglasses to try to hide it, but I had the fat tears going on that no pair of sunglasses could contain. How could I not cry? He’s my youngest, my baby. This is the kid that has been trying to figure out how to get back into my womb for the past 5 years, and now he’s off to Kindergarten being a big kid.
I cried on and off for the rest of the day. I even texted Jamie an hour after we dropped him off that I was still sad and had no one to yell at but myself. But not all the tears were sad tears. I felt happy too that both my kids were together at the same school now. And I was definitely excited to have a few hours to myself. But mostly, I was just thankful that I was present, witnessing what they were feeling and empathizing, building them up, and watching them walk through another milestone. It’s a joy and a pain of parenthood, to hold their hand during the journey until it’s time to let go. I’ll have many more of theses moments, and I’ll cherish every one of them. 
The Mundame 