I love weddings, especially ones that aren’t mine. The excitement is palpable, all that hard work and anticipation leading up to that one big day that changes your life. It’s like training for and running a marathon, except instead of 26.2 miles, you are running forever, you don’t run alone, sometimes you don’t like your running partner, and you don’t get a medal or free race swag for being awesome at it. Wait, I think I love weddings. Yep, I love weddings, I don’t like running. Got confused there, bad example. Also, I never ran a marathon, so what do I know.
My brother-in-law, Shane, and his new wife, Lauren, got married this past weekend. It was a beautiful and memorable day from start to finish. Jamie stood up as a groomsman and Reese was a flower girl, so I had an up-close and personal look into the moments leading up to the big moment without actually having to do anything, which is probably why I enjoyed it so much. The only real job I had was fitting into my dress without ripping it (success). Jamie needed occasional reminders of how to be a supportive groomsmen, which really made me wonder how the hell he lived life before me, Google, and Siri (in that order). Reese needed reminders that this day was not about her, her dress, her hair, and her desire to be one of the big girls in the ceremony. Once I knew they were set, I was able to enjoy the day.
Since Reese was invited to get ready with Lauren and the bridesmaids in the hotel room, I was able to be that creeper family member that shouldn’t have been there for all the behind the scenes action but stayed anyway. While I did Reese’s hair, she had many questions about things like hair extensions and fake eyelashes, which I’m assuming will end up on her Christmas list this year. There was a lot of lectures to her about, “You’re most beautiful on the inside, but when there’s a professional photographer involved, you should try to look good on the outside too.” I saw the wonder behind Reese’s eyes as she watched her new auntie transform into full bride status, how her friends rallied around her to keep her calm and happy, how her mother and soon to be mother-in-law held back tears all day to keep their hearts and makeup in check.
I experienced the day with a different perspective as well, as it was our 11 year wedding anniversary. I remembered my nervous stomach, my bridesmaids shoving food in my mouth so I wouldn’t pass out later, the professionals transforming me into a beautiful version of myself that Jamie would never see again except in pictures, the periodic “Wooooooo!” and “Fuck yeah, I’m getting married today!” that blasted out of my mouth, the deep worry I had about the details of the day not going as planned. Lauren had those moments too. Quietly in my mind I was telling her that it’s all going to be perfect today, and even if it isn’t, none of that is going to matter tomorrow. The details that make the day so beautiful and enjoyable for everyone disappear after this day. The real work starts after all the excitement dies down, and you’re left staring at each other in your living room eating Chinese food after work and realizing, “Shit, you’re here to stay.” Good thing I kept my thoughts to myself, I’m quite the Debbie Downer.
It wasn’t all bummer thoughts I was having, they were mostly happy thoughts with a solid mix of reality in them. The reality is that the wedding day should be a huge, thrilling day, where the bride and groom and all the family and friends feel all this excitement, love and joy because marriages need that positive energy to start off on the right foot. It is hard work, and all that support from the people that love you and know you best is necessary. Lauren’s mom made a speech, and she mentioned that you have to feed your marriage everyday to keep it alive. Her words resonated with me, maybe because I love food and enjoy being fed, but also because she was spot on. It’s a daily effort, even if it is just little things you are doing to help your marriage grow. The minute someone stops trying or becomes selfish, the marriage begins to suffer.
Now, I’m no marriage guru by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, compared to my parents or my siblings, my measly 11 years of marriage is child’s play. But I’ve been through enough to know how hard it can be, and also how wonderful it feels when you see your hard work paying off. But the rewards are not as obvious as winning a medal at the end of a race; you have to really look for them. For me, it looks like me and my buddy watching Bachelor in Paradise in bed after the kids go to bed, eating snacks or having a drink, and laughing at other people’s poor life decisions. Not glamorous, but so enjoyable. It looks like Jamie giving me a kiss on the forehead and saying thanks for making dinner, even when it doesn’t taste good. It looks like rowdy kids at the dinner table while I look at Jamie and shrug my shoulders with that “Oh life” look on my face. It’s these things that I wished for for Shane and Lauren, that collection of tiny little moments in everyday life that keep the ball rolling. And it’s the ability to find these moments, a skill that is fine-tuned with every year that passes, that I hope they learn along the way.
From an outsider’s perspective, the day went perfectly. So many tears, laughter, pictures, alcohol, and dancing completed the day. My brother-in-law’s best man speech was so amazing, I’m shocked the single ladies at the reception were not throwing their panties at him (keeping it classy I guess). Evan, my little shy boy, was a total beast on the dance floor. He seemed to have left his rhythm with his shyness, but at least he was out there being confident and oh so cute. Reese managed to get Jamie on the dance floor to do the Cupid Shuffle with her, which speaks volumes about Reese’s powers over her father. We finally called it a night when my dress felt more like sausage casing and my 11 year old makeup was officially clogging my pores. What a fun day had by all, especially the happy couple.
The celebration for Jamie and me continued with a quick Michigan trip for the remainder of the weekend. We met my brother and sister-in-law, along with 4 other friends, for a nice little wine tour. My brother booked a tour for us, and when the party bus picked us up, the driver warned us that the bus was going to be full all day and that we were going to be sharing it with 2 bachelorette parties. When the men entered the bus, the bus roared with wild woo-hoo’s from the bachelorettes, which quickly dissipated when the wives appeared behind them. Our group of 40-somethings were surrounded by girls in their 20’s, who sipped drinks with their penis straws, adorned their bodies with Hawaiian leis, sashes, and personalized t-shirts, and made memories they will only vaguely remember. I sat there in my mom clothes and unwashed (and perhaps uncombed?) hair, wishing I showered before I arrived. The youngens set the tone, though, and we were all up for the challenge to party our asses off. They were shocked when we told them we were born in the 70’s and had 10+ years of marriage under our belts. They asked us for marriage advice; my brother’s was, “Happy wife, happy life,” while mine was, “Don’t fight when you’re hangry.” One girl made a comment on how it was great that we were still doing fun stuff like this at our ages, as if we were in our geriatric years or something. I was slightly offended at first, but then took a closer look at my “I gave up on life” look that I was sporting for the day, and it made more sense. As the tour progressed, so did our inebriation. Since I’m a one-drink-wonder, I would have a few sips of each wine, and Jamie had to drink most of my remaining wine. That would explain his willingness to oblige to silly bachelorette party shenanigans by the end of the tour. As I sat there watching him make an ass of himself on the party bus, I thought to myself, “Wow, this is what 11 years of marriage looks like. How did I end up here?” But I love me some tomfoolery, and he gets me.
It was a celebratory weekend for everyone, filled with new and young energy, excitement, love, laughter, family, and friendship. This is the stuff that warms your heart and feeds your soul. For Shane and Lauren, this weekend probably ended with them looking at pictures and Facebook posts, opening gifts, and perhaps starting a shit load of thank you cards, as the high of their wedding begins to settle. I lend to them my wide-angled lens to see the bigger picture, a lifetime filled with sharing nighttime binge watching, hastened dinners together with kids, laughing off the hard times, fostering growth and change, and readily offering those good old please’s and thank you’s that go a long, long way. Cheers!
The Mundame 