I try to go to church on a semi-regular basis with my family. Initially, when the kids were really young, we tried to go a few times, only to find that we were spending the hour telling them to sit still or keep quiet, neither of us praying or listening at all. And then when Evan decided it would be hilarious to pull his penis out of his pants and play with it in the middle of mass, we felt like that was a sign to stay away for a little while. Now that the kids are older, we started going back.
A few weeks ago, the kids and I went to church while Jamie was out of town. I gave myself a pep-talk beforehand, convincing myself that the kids were going to be angels and I was going to have a peaceful time to reflect. I should have known when they started whining and complaining because I said they couldn’t bring snacks and toys inside that it was not going to be peaceful. It started off okay, Reese singing the songs while Evan was at least facing in the right direction. I was feeling great. Of course, that was just the first 5 minutes. Once we sat down, Reese wanted to braid my hair. I said no. She began to braid her own hair. I asked her if she thought Jesus braided hair in the temple when he was a kid, and she said no. She stopped. No worries, minor blip in the concentration and quiet time, I could still regain focus. Two seconds into my attempt to refocus, Evan began to lick me. Nope, not a typo, he was actually licking me. Sucks to be him because I didn’t shower before mass. I very calmly and quietly asked him to please stop licking me, but my face very loudly nonverbally screamed, “Just why though?” He stopped. Three deep breaths and that should get me back to focus. Three deep breaths felt great, but you know what didn’t…Evan chewing on my stomach fat. Clearly, he was in dog mode that morning. I whispered, “God is watching you, and He does not like it when you chew on my stomach. Muffin tops are not real muffins.” He stopped. I’m wet from saliva. I did not feel #blessed.
Throughout the rest of the mass, it was a back and forth battle telling them (mostly Evan) to be quiet, stop touching me, face forward, stop climbing the pews, stop slamming the kneelers, and please don’t rip the booklets. But I swear sometime during that hour, we all had some form of quiet time, even if it was literally seconds at a time. I don’t honestly expect kids at their age to sit still the entire hour and actually listen. Even adults struggle with that. But that’s exactly it, none of us really knew how to be comfortable in stillness and quiet. Was it hard for me to be still because a million thoughts were racing through my mind, most of which were not religion related? Or was it because my thoughts have a lot of profane words attached to them and are probably not appropriate for a church setting? Were my kids wiggle worms because I’ve made them so used to a go-go-go kind of schedule and they’re not comfortable with slowing down? Is screen time making them hyper? Are they all about immediate gratification and expect their demands to be met as soon as they ask for it, and if they don’t get what they want, they’re little pieces of shit? Or is church just kind of boring for kids (and sometimes for adults too…sorry Mom, pray for me)? See, too many thoughts.
What I learned is that sitting still for an hour is really hard. Even if my kids weren’t there bugging me, I would still struggle with it. It takes practice to be able to be with your own thoughts. My thoughts are all kinds of messed up sometimes, and truthfully, I don’t always like my own company. But you have to be able to do it every now and again, maybe to gain some personal insight, maybe to enable growth or change, or maybe just to rest your brain from anxiety and worry. It’s a skill I would like to teach my kids now at an early age, to use quiet time as a tool or coping mechanism to deal with stress, fatigue, or frustration, and hopefully down the road, for some self-reflection. I would also like to teach them to use quiet time for my own personal gain when I find them to be terribly loud and annoying. I’m thinking maybe starting with 5 minutes a day just sitting still with them, no one talking, everyone just closing their eyes, focusing on their breath, and being quiet. How much do you want to bet when I open my eyes after five minutes, I’ll find my hair braided Coolio style and a kid licking me?!? I’m dreading it already. Maybe 2 minutes is a more attainable goal. We have to start somewhere.
The Mundame 