My kids are, for the most part, sweet and kind people. At least that’s what people see in public. When I hear that kind of feedback from other parents, I feel proud and maybe reassured that I’m doing something right. But apart from teaching kids manners, social graces and appropriate public behaviors, there’s an even bigger job we have behind closed doors: teaching our kids life skills that will set them up for success, like hard work and perseverance, time management, organization, self-confidence. These are big and abstract ideas for little brains, but I pound that shit in them daily hoping that something will stick.
I had a tough week with my daughter. She’s 8 and full of life and creative energy, a bright kid with a lot of potential for greatness. Like many girls her age, she has a sassy attitude, which was shockingly not the problem this week. The issues of time management, organization, and accountability have been challenging for this kid for a while. She struggles with doing homework in a timely manner and balancing after-school activities, and she creates a messy trail of papers and dirty clothes everywhere she goes, forgets things that should be second nature by now, and the list goes on and on. I question whether it is a focus thing, or maybe certain things just don’t matter too much to her. Or perhaps is it that I do too much for her that she assumes I’ll come to the rescue anytime she drops the ball? I don’t know. I described her to Jamie as a balloon floating in the air without a plan or purpose, just a whimsical girl that will go wherever the wind takes her. He reminded me that she is 8, and that most, if not all, 8 year olds don’t really contemplate their life purpose at this age. Well shit, I’m not asking for a Socrates, I’m just asking for a kid that can remember to put her pants on before she leaves the house.
She is so very different from me. I mean, I literally hate wind. Even though the balloon in the wind was a metaphor, I bet I even hate wind in the metaphorical sense too. It is too distracting and unpredictable. She’s a typical right-brained person, my day-dreaming artistic girl that is often scatter-brained and random, but lives in color. Where there is wind, she sees an opportunity to fly a kite. There’s nothing wrong with that; in fact, I wish I could live in color the way she does sometimes. But then there’s me, very left-brained, methodical in my thinking, organized, regimented. I’m a rule follower, a planner, and I often find myself making a pro’s and con’s list about my pro’s and con’s list. I’m not creative at all. In fact, I had my brother do all my art homework in grade school, and in adulthood, my sister picked all of our paint colors and decorations in our house. I dress like Simon Cowell. My favorite color is gray. Shit, my favorite piece of art work on our walls is the dry-erase family calendar I bought that I color-coordinate every month to organize every family member’s schedule. Where there is wind, I see an opportunity to pull my hair back so it stays neatly in place, perhaps take cover indoors, and check for weather updates. Our brains are very different.
Because of our differences, I have a hard time understanding her and finding ways that will motivate her to adopt new skills that don’t come naturally to her. And the Eeyore in me begins to feel pessimistic, like I will never understand her, that it will take such a great deal of effort to bond with her, that we will forever be butting heads. Of course, I never show her or verbalize these feelings, but Jamie pointed out that it’s not good for me to even harbor those thoughts. I knew he felt strongly about talking this through with me when he had me pause my Netflix show to have this conversation. Once he had my full attention, he wanted to be sure I wasn’t getting into the mindset that she and I will not be able to bond, and more importantly, he wanted to tell me to not give up on her. It’s hard to hear that from your partner, but a good partner keeps you in check. He often has to give me reminders to be more positive in my parenting approach (and life in general). He said that she is a lot like him, in that organization, cleanliness and time management do not come naturally to him either, and he finished the thought with, “But look at me, I turned out fine.” I nodded my head because I agreed with most of it, but a voice in my head said, “Ok, so what you’re saying is that Reese needs to marry someone who keeps her shit together, the house clean, the meals made, and the family time managed. Mmhhhmm, got it.” But his point was that she will be successful in life and in her career, even if she prioritizes things differently from me. We need to just find what makes her tick, what learning strategy will stick, and just never give up.
The following day, we talked to her about making a check list every single day for the morning, afternoon, and evening. She was beyond enthusiastic to try this, and it was working like magic…for the first day. She then forgot to make the list the next day, and sure enough, her brain was all over the place. So she failed, and we let her. She’ll try again tomorrow. And the next. Whatever it takes. We decided to allow her to feel actual consequences, such as getting reprimanded at school if she forgets assignments, even though it is killing us to allow that to happen. If she forgets her lunch, I’ll just have to wait for a call from the school. If she forgets her water bottle for practice, she’ll just have to be thirsty for an hour. I will, however, put my foot down if I see her walking out the door with two different shoes on. In my head, I’m rooting for her everyday. I want her to be successful, but me doing everything for her is fake success, it’s really just myself checking things off my own check list. Who knows, maybe the check list is not her thing, and if that’s the case, we move on to the next strategy.
Getting to know my kid this way is a lot like dating. There are those fun moments when you are both enjoying good times and laughing. And then there are the hard moments, when you actually have to deal with conflicting views and approaches, and you have to figure out how to communicate effectively with each other and work problems out. When a relationship means a lot to you, you know you’ll do anything to make it work, even if it hurts and frustrates the shit out of you. So here’s to dating your kid. Nope, that sounds wrong. Let me try that again. Here’s to never giving up on your kid, building a lasting relationship with them that you’ll both be proud of, and setting them up to conquer the world, no matter what. These are the people that you will be having drinks with in 20 years, so make it count.
The Mundame 