Pandemic

As I was driving today, I got a text message from my sister-in-law and brother-in-law that the WHO declared COVID-19, or the coronavirus, an official pandemic. First thing I thought was, damnit, I should not have just licked my fingers after touching my steering wheel and eating my snack at the same time just to read that text. I reached for my hand sanitizer in the car, which had a mystery brown gunk on the inside of the cap, which I’m sure is totally normal, and instantly after a few alcohol rubs I felt germ free again. Except now my hands feel like they’re on fire because my skin is all dry and cracked from all the hand washing to various tunes from, “Manic Monday,” to “Who Let the Dogs Out,” to “Happy Birthday,” to just regular good old everyday OCD counting to 30. But it’s all good guys, no reason to panic. You know why? Because I have played the board game conveniently titled, “Pandemic” at least 5 times, I can say with certainty that we can save the world.

Listen, most of the times I’ve played, I have partnered up with drunk Jamie, drunk brother-in-law, and sleepy sister-in-law, and we have saved the world a number of times. And for the times we did not save the world, it was likely because we were too sober. In this game, if a virus hits China or India, that usually means shit spreads pretty rampantly. When you see all these red, yellow, blue, and black virus cubes spread all over the world, it looks scary and we need to act fast. And by act fast, I mean Jamie and Corey deliberate the next move while Megan fixes herself another drink and I add songs to our board game playlist. The key to containing the virus in this game is to accurately place the “Quarantine Specialist” and “Medic” near the affected cities, while allowing the “Scientist” enough time and space to find a cure. Sound nerdy? Oh, it is. It is not your “Cards Against Humanity” fun times kind of game. No information from “Cards Against Humanity” can save us now (“glory holes” have no place in this pandemic scenario…also, anytime I got the card that said “glory holes,” I never knew what it meant and was always too afraid to Google it). The game requires a lot of collaborative strategizing and a little luck, and if you act quickly enough, the world is saved from viral destruction. We can do it, team!

What the game “Pandemic” taught me was that a team of experts have to work together to keep the viruses from spreading, cure or even eradicate the viruses as best as they can, and keep the cities around the world thriving as much as possible, with the ultimate goal of saving humanity. What I didn’t learn from the game was how to prepare for shortages of supplies at Costco and the possiblity of shutting down work places and schools. Now, in all honesty, we were one of the families that bought toilet paper and paper towels right before shit hit the fan. But in fairness, those two things were on our Costco shopping list. Jamie volunteered to do the Costco shopping this last time around, which was a rare but welcomed gesture. I thought maybe he was trying to do acts of service for me to show me he loved me. But when he came home with many non-perishable items that were not on the list, I paused and scratched my head. He hauled in a bunch of spam and a huge bag of dried mangoes, just to name a few of the off-list items. At first, I thought he was just being Filipino by association because these are all normal things Filipinos typically buy and eat. But when I saw the giant jar of coconut oil and all the bottles of water, I knew something was amiss because Filipinos fry their shit with vegetable oil and we drink from the tap. He was preparing for the apocalypse. I just shook my head and figured, eh, at least we’ll eat well. Well wouldn’t you know it, a week later, all these reports came up that Costco was out of toilet paper and paper towels. Crazy. But don’t fret, if worse came to worse and you didn’t have toilet paper, just use the “tabo” method (Google it…you’re welcome).

Even with all the alarming reports coming in, I was taking the information in with caution and being as rational as possible. Until today, when I heard that it was a real possibility that schools could potentially close. Now I panic. Why? Because no one, and I mean no one, would want me home schooling my children. It would be a disaster. My father-in-law once told me when Reese was very young that I should consider home schooling her. I thought to myself that he either secretly wanted the worst for my child, or that he thought very highly of me and my capabilities as a teacher and parent. It was the latter, but we all know better now. If the schools end up closing and I have to home school these animals, I’d be yelling and pulling out my hair, and Reese and Evan would be crying to the point of dehydration (thank goodness we have all that bottled water). My children would literally become dumber. The only potential growth that could come of this is that their vocabulary would expand, if you count swear words. I can only imagine the noise in this house if we were all quarantined: the “Zombies 2” soundtrack blasting from Alexa on repeat, bickering between the kids, Beyblades bursting all over my floors, banging on the piano keys, me yelling at everyone to shut the fuck up and clean something, and quite possibly, in a secluded corner, a quiet steady sound of tears dripping into Jamie’s beer. And every night, after drinking a half opened bottle of 10 year old rum I found in the back of the booze cabinet that would probably mess my body up more that the coronavirus itself, I would find myself on my knees with fists to the sky screaming, “Curse you, COVID! You did this! Your sweet, sweet promises of quarantine with endless flowing Netflix and unimaginable relaxation were all lies!!!!!” End scene.

While I am making light of the situation right now, I am taking it seriously, and I am confident that the WHO, the CDC, and all the powers that be are working very hard to resolve the many concerns involved with containing and managing this pandemic. While the media often hypes these situations up, it has also provided some useful information on the virus, or at the very least, have said to us, “Hey, stop watching “Love is Blind” for a hot second. Shit’s happening out there!” The kids’ school is teaching the kids about how germs are spread and how good hand washing is the best thing they can do to help keep everyone safe and healthy, schools and employers are encouraging people to stay home if they are sick, and even churches are encouraging to refrain from holding or shaking hands, which is a total relief for me because my hands sweat all the time and I’m always so embarrassed when I have to touch people’s hands. While many things are not in our control and we will find ourselves sitting and watching as things quickly unfold, I think it’s safe to say that we should just remember the simple things that are in our control that we taught our kids at a very young age:

1. Don’t be gross: stop picking your nose, definitely stop flinging your boogers at each other, and wash your hands (yes, with soap, and yes, even if it’s just pee, and yes, longer than that)

2. Don’t be a dick: cover your coughs and sneezes, and stay home if you feel sick

3. Keep your hands to yourself: stop licking your friends (yes, even your best friend)

I didn’t add in there that you should also stop touching your face because the minute I say it, I will without fail touch my face no less than 50 times in the next 30 seconds (see, I bet you just scratched your nose…oh, it’s not itchy…give it a second…).

I believe we will all be fine, so long as we are a little more mindful of our behaviors and make rational decisions that are based on facts and not hysteria. It will be a learning experience for everyone, young and old. For the lucky majority of us, this will just be an inconvenience and interruption to our regularly scheduled programs. So let’s look out for the elderly and immunocompromised, who might need us to just take that time out to keep the virus from spreading. Go out and buy a “tabo,” stock up on some booze and snacks, and invest in a few board games, “Pandemic” perhaps. “Catan” might also be a good one, seeing that our markets are down and we might have to sharpen our bartering skills. Whatever happens next, just look out for each other, stay safe, and be well! This too shall pass.