We made the decision to allow the kids to watch Cobra Kai with us. It was perhaps a questionable decision at best, given the heavy use of the words “pussy” and “asshole” in just about every episode. But after season one, we were all in. Over winter break, we even binged season three (so good), but then I felt that I should probably pump the brakes on the somewhat inappropriate shows I’m allowing them to watch. Since the Bears are done for the season, I thought I’d watch Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist with the kids on Sunday while Jamie watched a football game I didn’t care about. The kids had watched half of Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist with me a few months ago and absolutely loved it. I thought all the music and dancing on this show would be a nice break from all the fighting and bad language of Cobra Kai. Love me some redemption momming, bringing light-hearted and musical fun to my kids after flooding their brains with some bad ass shit from Cobra Kai.
To my dismay, one of the episodes of Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist was filled with a shit ton of sexual innuendos, as in, the episode was ALL about Zoe getting laid. Mental decision tree enacted: I could turn it off and say this is inappropriate, but then I’d have to stop watching too; or I could keep it on and go old school like my parents did and just make the kids close their eyes so that I could finish the episode. One choice is clearly more responsible than the other, but I went the selfish route and finished the episode while they closed their eyes for most of the parts. I figured it was probably fine, couldn’t be any worse than what they watched in Cobra Kai. Per usual, I was wrong.
The next day, we decided to let the kids watch the Bulls game with us after dinner. We thought it would be good family bonding and finally some super clean screen time. With the game in the background, Evan jumping around on the couch, the dog whining in her crate, and Jamie taking an untimely and abnormally long post-dinner shit, Reese hit me with a bomb: “Mommy, how do you get pregnant? I mean, how do you “try” to get pregnant?” Mental decision tree enacted: do I pretend I didn’t hear her, do I pretend I’m super busy and blow her off, or do I proceed with caution and give just a tiny bit of detail to pacify her? And if I proceed with caution, do I go God and stork route or give her a little Fallopian tube action? I take the bate, but answer the question with a question, “Weird question to ask during a basketball game. Why do you ask?” She responds, “Well, I asked you before but you said you’d tell me later when I was ready. I’m ready.” Damnit, I had forgotten that I blew her off already.
Quick side story on that one. I was getting ready to take her to a park play date a few months ago when she asked me what “sex” and “sexy” meant. Jamie heard her question and quickly shut his office door and pretended to be on a call. I gave her a very vague answer: “Sex is something that two married adults that love each other do to make a baby, and ‘sexy’ just means being flirty.” She responded, “But I thought you said God made the babies.” After a long pause, I replied, “Okay, get your coat on for your playdate, we’re gonna be late. We’ll talk about this more when you’re ready.”
But was she ready? Ugh, who the hell knows. And where the fuck is Jamie?!? I thought that if I kept avoiding her questions, she would go elsewhere to find the answers. I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice. So here’s how the rest of the conversation went:
Ely: “Females have eggs inside their bodies and males have sperm inside their bodies, and when the two of them come together, a baby forms.”
Reese: “But how do they come together?”
Ely: “Science. Biology.”
Reese: “But HOW?”
Ely: “Well, females have ovaries here and here (pointing in appropriate anatomical places) and an egg comes out of them every month. And if a sperm happens to swim its way towards the egg and attaches to it, the egg and sperm together make the baby. The baby then grows in the female’s uterus.”
Reese: “But how would it swim in there if it is in the guy’s body?”
Ely: (Long deep breath in) “Through sex, Reese. It all happens through sex.”
Reese: (audible gasp, along with giggling from Evan) Sex? Like how Zoe was gonna do the sex?
(Ugh, fucking Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist! This is where the questions are coming from!)
Ely: “Yeah kinda, except they weren’t trying to have a baby.”
Reese: “I don’t get it. How do the swimmers get in?”
Ely: “They are called sperm.”
Reese: “Okay, how do the spermers get in the girl?”
Ely: “Sperm.”
Reese: “Ahh! Sperm! How do the sperms get to the egg?”
Ely: “It comes out of the penis….Ok, you don’t need to know the details on how, just know it is a very adult thing to do, and if you don’t understand it thoroughly, you could be in trouble and get pregnant when you were not intentionally trying to get pregnant.”
Reese: “Oh, like how Johnny got his girlfriend pregnant and then wasn’t really there for Robby?” (Ugh, Cobra Kai, you too?)
(Enter Jamie, completely oblivious to the conversation at hand)
Reese: “Ew, Daddy, you did the sex with Mommy to get pregnant?”
Jamie: “What is happening right now? I feel like I should leave.”
Ely: “Oh no, you are staying right there. During your very long time in the bathroom, Reese wanted to know all about how someone gets pregnant.”
Reese: “Yeah, I just thought if you want to get pregnant and have a baby, it just happens and your stomach grows a baby.” (Thanks a lot, religious ed)
Ely: “Okay, well now you know. So are we good here with the sex stuff, or do you have any more questions?”
Reese: “More questions! So Mommy, you were trying to be sexy with Daddy when you wanted to get pregnant?”
Ely: “I don’t try to be sexy, I just am.”
Reese: “Daddy, did you think Mommy was sexy?”
Ely: “Daddy thinks I’m sexy when I cook spam. It’s not very difficult.”
Jamie: “Why are you asking this? What does ‘sexy’ mean to you?”
Reese: “You know, acting sexy is like how Zoe ripped off that guy’s shirt and all that stuff.” (fucking Zoe!!!!)
Ely: “Oh Reese, that’s just in the movies. When you are trying to make a baby, none of that is going on.”
Reese: “Is that REALLY the only way to get pregnant? There’s no other way? It sounds awkward and I don’t want to do that.”
Jamie: “Good!”
Ely: “Sex is the first way to try to get pregnant, and if sex doesn’t work after a while, then you go to a special doctor’s office and scientists like Tito Manny collect eggs and sperm and make a baby in a Petri dish. Okay, so we good now?”
Evan: “I’m definitely doing the sex way.”
Ely: “Okay, champ, calm down.”
Evan: (jumping on the couch) “Sexsexsexsexsexsex!!!”
Jamie: “Okay guys, this is a serious talk, this isn’t something you share at school with your friends. Parents have talks with their own kids about it, and some of your friends may not be ready for this information. So you guys are not to talk about this with your friends, got it?”
Reese: “Okay. But I still have more questions. How do the spermers get to the girl? Wouldn’t it get all over their pants and underwear?”
Evan: “Yeah, the sermp would mess up your clothes.”
Ely: “Sperm, not sermp.”
Jamie: “Okay, he’s not ready to hear all this. I’m not either. I’m taking the dog out.”
Evan: “Oh, wait, I get it. The boy would have to take his clothes off. Oh, but then their privates will be showing. That’s bad.”
Ely: “Yes, it is very private. You only do something like this in a private place with someone you care about. (Evan, creeping up closer to me in a weird Oedipus kind of way). Evan, why are you so close to me?”
Evan: “I just love you.”
Ely: “That’s fine, just love me from the other side of the couch please. Alright, my brain hurts. I think we’re good with the science lesson for now. If you have other questions, we can talk about it later. Go to bed.”
(Scene ends with me pouring a lot of vodka into a cup)
It was a giant shit show to say the least, but I don’t know why I would expect anything less from my phenomenal parenting style. I always imagined having a calm, informative sex talk with my kid the way Claire Huxtable would do it. But instead, it turned into a shoot from the hip Rosanne Barr situation that seemed to never end. While informative, I don’t know if I hit all the important points, which means I have to go through this shit again. And since I literally just heard Evan say he is getting his period soon, I definitely have to redo this talk with him too. I am overall not pleased with myself, but I can’t take it back now. My only victory in the situation is that I didn’t shy away from the difficult topic, which hopefully will show Reese that she can come and ask me anything and I will give her an honest answer. Man, and I thought showing the kids Cobra Kai was going to create the issues. Kinda wish one of the kids would have just called a kid at school a pussy or asshole. That would have been a lot easier to handle than talking to them about sex. Parents, be ready, this could happen to you at any point in time! Be armed with pamphlets, books, or at the very least, vodka!
The Mundame 