Disney World, the happiest place on Earth…and also where Type A people go to die. Disney a betch for sure. I have put off a family trip to Disney and Universal for as long as possible because the horror stories I’ve heard about planning, strollers, character meals, the long days ending in tantrums, the outlandish price tag, they were all complete turn offs. Maybe I was hoping the kids would never mention it or grow out of it and we’d happily let the boat sail by. It was actually working for a while; their Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Disney Princess phases came and went, and no child even asked for a trip to Disney. And just as I felt like the window was closing, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and Marvel got us good (thanks to Jamie and a Covid lockdown), and well, the Disney and Universal boats flipped a U-ey, came by and said, “Get your asses on this boat because it’s your turn for a torturous good time!”
I mean it when I say I was not planning on going for a while. We did some home renovations over the summer and I told Jamie that we shouldn’t do any major trips for at least a year because we needed some time to financially recover, and he completely agreed. Fast forward a few months, our friends reached out in the fall to see if we had a Thanksgiving break, and though we did, we already had some light plans. Those plans fell through though, so we said that maybe we could do something small, like a quick trip to Tennessee or Arizona. She mentioned Disney, and I immediately said hell no, not going during a holiday season when it’ll be crazy crowded and expensive. And besides, I always pictured our Disney experience to just be the four of us together, frolicking in wait-free lines and meeting all the characters (clearly I had no clue how Disney works, total amateur daydream). We toyed with a few options for a while, but nothing stuck. Then I thought, 3 different families all with this same break, all the kids getting older so quickly, when will we have this chance again? Plus, another set of friends had just gotten back from Disney and they could help us with any questions, so maybe this is a good time to go after all. So I said fuck it, let’s do it. Hello, Spontaneity, I’m Ely, let’s party.
Turns out, Spontaneity a ho, she played me, and I hate her. While other more rational people spend a year planning a trip like this, Spontaneity said I could definitely plan this in 5 weeks. I can hardly plan a going out outfit in 5 weeks, I don’t know how I fell for this trap. We were a group of 13 with a set of wishy washy plans that sounded a lot like, “Sure I’ll go. What do you want to do? I dunno, what about you? Hmm not sure. Eh, we’ll figure it out.” I’m too anal to be spontaneous, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve tried to be spontaneous before, only to find myself in fits of anger and frustration. It’s like me constantly trying on rompers thinking that this is the time it will look good on me. Unless my goal is to give off toddler vibes, it just will never work out.
I parted ways with Spontaneity and reunited with my Type A brain and got to work. We used a Disney travel agent to set up our hotels, and she was there to answer any of our questions. Once she got us our hotels, there was no turning back. I considered for a very brief moment surprising the kids with the Disney news the day we were going to leave, but then I thought, “Nah I better not. Who knows, Spontaneity probably a betch to them too.” They were so excited and in jaw-dropping disbelief. Evan said, “I never thought we’d ever go to Disney World or Universal Studios.” And when I asked why, Reese chimed in and said, “Because it’s so expensive.” So my kids are fully aware of how cheap I am. I’m not thrilled about that, but they’re not wrong, and maybe they’ll stop asking me to buy them stupid shit.
Once all the excitement quieted down, it was time to get my butt in gear and learn everything about how to survive a Disney World and Universal Studios vacation. College prepared me for this, with all those hours of cramming before finals, and all the binge drinking afterwards to numb my anxiety and mental fatigue. For several days, I made pots of coffee, sat in front of a computer for hours at a time to “make a research,” as my aunt likes to put it, and ended the nights with a cocktail. I flooded my friend’s phone with thousands of texts about daily schedules, Genie+, Individual Lightning Lanes, Express Passes at Universal, you name it. I listened to Disney podcasts, watched YouTube videos of very annoyingly happy people discussing Disney itineraries. I took copious notes that cluttered our island. I thought to myself, ugh we should’ve just planned for Tennessee and played Catan all night. But I couldn’t unring that Disney and Universal bell, the kids would never forgive me. I promised them a magical time, and said this would be their Christmas gifts for the next 5 years. I also said this is the one and only time we’re doing this, so have a blast and don’t mess this up for me…er, I mean them…but mostly me.
Before I knew it, the trip was upon us. I had scanned notes and itineraries in my phone, had plan A through Z in my head, and everyone’s bags packed with everything from ponchos to beef jerky to interactive wands. Friends warned me that I was going about this all wrong, that my days were too packed, and that the kids were going to fizzle out by day 2. And I’m thinking, they fucking better not! But if they do, we can just take a quiet power nap in the corner somewhere (college prepared me for that too, and I could start them young). All joking aside, I was willing to be flexible if they had meltdowns and just stick to our top priority attractions per park. But that was like plan Z, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Per usual, Jamie was crazy stressed in preparation for the trip too. He had nothing to do with the actual planning of the trip, all he knew was that we were going to Orlando, something about a mouse, a genie made of lightning, and a wizard. He always has a shit ton of work to get done before and after vacations, so he is kind of MIA until we get to the airport. I gave him some “gentle” reminders to at least pack, and by gentle, I mean using 1 to 2 “fucks” in my sentences (threats) instead of 5. I also emphasized that I will need his brain on the trip, because as planned out as the trip was, I cannot for the life of me read maps, so I needed him to navigate. And I’m not exaggerating about my map reading skills either. I once read a hiking trail map backwards when I was in Ireland with my sister, and I lead us to a cliff with nowhere else to go. We can’t have that on this trip…although jumping off a cliff during the planning process seemed tempting at times.
When we arrived at the airport, I felt less stressed and more excited. The joy on the kids’ faces was so worth all the trouble I went through for the past few weeks. Nothing was going to bring them down. And I was killing it so far; just the right amount of snacks, water, entertainment, timely bathroom breaks, hand sanitizer, all the airport needs and wants provided. We got on the plane, and Jamie gifted me with the aisle seat away from the kids (even though you know they’ll find a way to ignore Jamie and ask me questions). As I sat there, I peaked at the kid’s iPad in front of me. He was watching Home Alone, and I thought to myself, would it have been THAT terrible to leave the kids alone like Kevin was while Jamie and I just did this trip? They could watch the dog, eat instant ramen everyday, question just for a second whether or not they were worthy of our love, set up booby traps for robbers, and then play video games till we got home. That doesn’t sound that bad, at least nothing therapy couldn’t fix. Did I plan this trip wrong? Hmm, I’ll have to save that option for the next family trip. The idea oddly put me at ease and helped me catch up on sleep.
The plane landed and shenanigans ensued. The kid in front of Jamie spilled his drink all over Jamie’s work bag, Jamie left his water bottle on the plane (which fucked up my hydration plans for him), our Uber driver needed directions from Jamie (told you I needed his brain for maps), and everyone was hangry. Don’t test me, Orlando! We quickly dropped off our bags at the hotel, hopped on a river taxi, scarfed down some subpar poutine at Disney Springs (because vacation food), and then all was right with the world once more. Since we got there later than planned, we didn’t do everything I wanted at Disney Springs, but I’m super flexible, remember, so no sweat off my back. Just kidding, I had to do a lot of deep breathing exercises to dissipate the disappointment. Jamie and the kids seemed happy though, so I was happy. Happyish. No, just tired and ready for bed.
Our first full Disney day was spent at Magic Kingdom, just the four of us. The other 2 families were arriving a day after us, so this was our only four-person frolic day that I envisioned in my head. But the day didn’t start with us entering the park with arms wide open, singing, “The hills are alive…” It began with Jamie and I waking up at 6:45am so that we could prepare to make a major strategic move on Genie+, per the guidance of every Disney blogger on Earth. If anyone has recently been to Disney, you are familiar with watching the official time on time.gov, refreshing your Disney app at 6:59:59, and jumping on Genie+ to reserve your first ride. Sounds insane? Yes, yes it is. And we did it anyway and prevailed. Sure, I wanted to reserve the Peter Pan ride, but I got Peter Pan cock-blocked by my family and we instead chose Space Mountain. Then I packed up our waters, snacks, breakfasts, and dramamine and we headed out so that we could get there an hour before park early park opening. Yes folks, everyday at Disney is like a fucking huge Black Friday sale at Target, and people are just lined up at the gate before we could even get into the damn park. But it was all good because we were pumped, our energy was electric, Reese and I had our Minnie ears on, and it was going to be amazing. When we finally got into the park, there were patrons that definitely knew where they wanted to go and headed there with a brisk walk-run. And then there was me, with mouth gaping wide opened, in awe of the Disney castle I grew up seeing in books and movies, but never in person. The park was already decorated for Christmas, and it felt perfect. A part of me wanted to break out into song and dance, and I think it would actually be welcomed there. I just could not stop taking pictures of Jamie, the kids, and everything around us. To see this all for the first time, and even better, to see it through my children’s eyes, was truly magical. And then my brain slapped me out of wonderment and said, “Hey lady, get moving! You are off schedule!” We took a quicker pace, let’s call it a prance, to our first ride, and the line was already long, but moving quickly. And for kids who have nearly zero experience waiting for anything, as they can fast-forward through commercials, or request whatever song they desire on Spotify instead of waiting for hours listening to the radio for their favorite song, it was good for them to experience waiting for something they want. And man was it worth it. This was their first roller coaster, and they absolutely loved it. I was expecting at least one kid, if not both, to be terrified and maybe sick, but it turns out we have 2 little thrill seekers. They wanted more. And you know who had more…my itinerary.
I know you’re expecting me to say that shit hit the fan at this point because things seemed too good to be true, but it actually didn’t! Yes, I’m shocked too. I mean, I did throw up by 9 or 10 am after riding Space Mountain, but again, college prepared me for this. It was puke and rally for me, and now that I’m a big girl, I even hold my own hair. And what is even better than a good rally…a well-organized plan that comes to fruition. Ooh, how our Genie+ fingers danced on that app, how Jamie navigated through that park like he memorized the map, how the kids walked for miles without complaints, how the sun was out but it was a very comfortable temperature, it could not have gone more smoothly. My adrenaline was feeding my soul, but alas, my crew wanted actual food to feed their stomachs. And well shit, the food was good too. See, it pays to read some of those blogs about the Disney food. It was all part of the plan.
The remainder of the day continued to be pretty fabulous, other than waiting for one ride that none of us really wanted to go on but got stuck in the line. The fireworks show was extra spectacular since they are celebrating their 50th anniversary this year, and I’ll never forget seeing Evan watching the show from Jamie’s shoulders while I kept Reese close to me. We stayed until closing time, and my little ones were exhausted, my checklist was full of satisfying check marks, and my heart was full. Park Day 1: Great success (for full effect, say it in a Borat accent).
The following day promised to be even more special, as we would be with our entire friend group at Hollywood Studios, home of Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge. This was the day Jamie was looking forward to the most, as he is the biggest Star Wars geek I know, and sadly, I know a bunch of them. I felt like this day in particular had to be perfect for my biggest kid. We met the group at the bus stop, but instead of exchanging niceties, it was back to the fastest fingers game on Genie+. Again, great success! We got a morning slot for Slinky Dog Dash, which means nothing to most people reading this, but everything to Disney dorks. This was a sign that the day was going to be excellent. We got to the park early again, but all the Star Wars super geeks were already there. When the gates opened, no joke, a stampede of Jamie nerds raced to the most popular Star Wars ride. But we took a somewhat leisurely pace since we were a big group. My eyes focused on Jamie, and when we entered Galaxy’s Edge, I watched my adult, map-reading Jamie, transform back into boyhood. He was in awe, eyes smiling, heart thumping out off his chest, pure joy oozing out of his pores. It was a true Star Wars boner experience (I think they call it The Force). Luck was on our side that morning, and we were somehow one of the first people to get onto the coveted ride, Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance. Our entire group was truly astounded by this ride, it was so different and cool, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Jamie said he felt like everything he grew up with was live and in his face and it was a dream come true. That made my whole vacation. Haha, who am I kidding, there were so many things to check off for that day. But that was a big plus.
We hopped on another popular Star Wars ride with hardly any wait at all, and we were almost confused why this day was going so well. We took pictures, shopped around, ate, and took more pictures. I was so relaxed, I wondered for a second if maybe someone drugged me. This was so fantastic. And then the rain started. All good, Florida rain doesn’t last very long, right? We put on our rain jackets and continued on our way. We rode Slinky Dog Dash, and it was a thrill ride with the added excitement of the rain sprinkling on us. All the kids loved it, even our littlest one, who was 5 years old. The rain seemed to be getting worse, to which I responded in my head, challenge accepted. We searched for a quick indoor show that the kids could watch while the adults napped. The rain was still going strong when it was over. We tried for another ride. Still rain. We ordered lunch and waited, and even harder rain came our way. By this time we were soaked, our shoes were squishing out water with every step, ponchos weren’t doing shit for us, and the temperature was in the 50’s. The group was ready to tap out. My college voice inside my head was screaming to rally, but no one was having it. We went from the highest high for the first few hours of the morning, to being straight up pissed off, cold and drenched. I had so many things I still wanted to see, ride, and check off. I didn’t want it to be done. I held on to the hope that maybe we could go back when the rain let up. After a few hours of rest at the hotel, I considered going back because there was a ride that Evan and I really wanted to go on. But honestly, I didn’t trust myself leading the way. With my navigation skills, we’d end up somewhere in Tampa. I know that’s nearly impossible, and yet I’d find a way. Jamie said he’d go back out too, not because he actually wanted to, but probably in fear of his only son’s safety. I didn’t want to put him through that, so we called it a day. I eventually picked a fight with Jamie to get my frustrations out of my system, and in my head I was the clear winner. I was expecting a fight on day 1 or 2 of our vacation, so for it to happen on day 3 was not bad. He pointed out that we saw all the major things we wanted to see, so I shouldn’t be so disappointed. Except I wanted to see everything, so he was wrong. We eventually went out to dinner with the group, which calmed me down, but inside, and quite possible outside, I was a pouty grump. Park Day 2: Wet great success, but somewhat deflating for the completist that I am.
Perhaps it was good that we had a half day of forced rest, as Park Day 3 was going to be a doozy at Epcot. Epcot became synonymous with “cultural bar crawl,” at least according to the adult men in our group. I personally was too afraid to have a drink because I am so prone to motion sickness, that even walking and drinking can be problematic for me (at least that’s what I tell the cops). We rode the major rides we were looking forward to, and then just walked around all the countries and ate and drank. Jamie had told the kids that he loved Epcot as a child because there were so many cool science and learning exhibits. We did none of that, learned absolutely nothing. So in 30 years, my kids will be telling their kids that Epcot is a giant park full of bars with quite possibly one of the most bad ass rides in all of Disney (Guardians of the Galaxy…breathtaking and nearly vomit-inducing). My checklist was not even halfway completed by the end of the night, but when my niece said, “That was the most amazing light and fireworks show I’ve ever seen,” it made my day feel complete in a more comforting way. Park Day 3: Tipsy great success.
By this time in the vacation, my body was pretty angry with me. Getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night, waking up early to beat the rush of people, walking 9 to 10 miles a day, eating a ton of junk food all day, it was all catching up to me. But we were in it till the end, and moving on to Universal Studios was a new and exciting adventure. Why, you ask? Because The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, mutha fuckaaaas! Yeah, I’m a fan. For years and years, Jamie would try to get me to read the Harry Potter series, and I would just tell him to get his dorkiness away from me. But then I got diagnosed with leukemia and was stuck in a hospital for 5 months, so I had nothing but time to read these books. And it was such the perfect series for my situation. It was my escape from a reality that I was at times not ready to deal with. So all things Harry Potter have a very special place in my heart, and now it is special for the kids too. We even named our dog Albus Dumbledog. They were able to finish the books and movies just before the trip, so everything was fresh in their minds. The way I felt entering The Wizarding World of Harry Potter was probably on par with how Jamie felt when he entered Galaxy’s Edge. Everything was exactly as and often better than I pictured in my imagination while reading those books. It was beautiful both in the daylight and at night, and extra special since it was decorated for Christmas too. The rides were badass (especially Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure), even though some of them nearly made me puke (kind of just like the chemo days I guess). The kids had interactive wands and they would practice casting spells, which was cute to watch. Evan was convinced he had the magic touch because his wand worked and Reese couldn’t get any spells to work on hers (muggles, am I right?). With a belly full of butterbeer, I whispered a quiet thank you to a fantastical land that helped me get out of some dark times.
We spent 2 days at Universal Studios, and there was more to it than just Harry Potter. There were also some really great rides and attractions. I could not believe that Evan, who is afraid to be upstairs in our house by himself, was willing to ride all the big roller coasters with me. Reese mustered up some guts to ride most of them, but was a hard pass on the ones that went upside down. It was a memorable experience holding their hands and reassuring them as they screamed their faces off in pure terror that death was imminent, really just a mother’s dream.
By the end of the second Universal day, the entire group was dragging. Our feet were ready to fall off, and even standing still I felt like I was on a roller coaster. The kids did great up until the very last night; Evan was dehydrated and hangry, lost his ever-loving mind, and cried for 30 minutes that he wanted to go home. After 5 straight days of parks from before opening until close, I felt the same. We didn’t get a chance to have a lengthy, meaningful goodbye to our friends, but everyone was too tired to give a shit. I’m sure as we dragged away our crying child, they thought, “I told you 5 days with no rest would be too much for them.” Yep, you were all right. And I’m stubborn, overly ambitious, and love a good checklist. I had it coming. Park Day 4 and 5: Magically great success.
One with sound mind would have planned a day of rest upon arriving home from such a jam-packed week of vacation. Not me. I’m dumb. We flew home early on Thanksgiving morning, dropped off our bags, took covid tests to make sure we weren’t bringing any illness to our families the way the pilgrims did to the indigenous people, had Thanksgiving lunch with my family and then Thanksgiving dinner with some of Jamie’s family. The kids somehow looked unscathed, but Jamie and I were delirious. We slept so hard that night and relaxed the following day…well, at least they did. I did about 10 loads of laundry and unpacked our things. So goes the role of this mom.
It was a trip of a lifetime, one I will never forget, and one that I have no intention of repeating until maybe I have grandchildren. It was absolutely overwhelming from beginning to end. I often wonder what the experience is like for a more laid back person, or for those Disney nuts that go multiple times in their lives on purpose. Maybe they spend more time taking in the sights and going to classy sit down restaurants. Maybe they laugh at the lunatics that run to their attractions an hour before early park admission, while they sip their coffee and take a leisurely stroll down Main Street. Maybe they take some time to lay by the pool or take a midday nap. I don’t think that type of person is even in me. I was motivated by itineraries and checklist completion, powered by adrenaline and caffeine, and elevated by the joy of my family and friends. So maybe Disney is not the betch, maybe it’s me. But this betch got her family to relive various stages of their childhood, see parts of their imaginations come to life, ride all the major rides, try new things, overcome their fears, and experience everything they never knew they always wanted in 5 1/2 days. And all at the low, low cost of my sanity, my waistline, a small fortune, and my beloved pinky toe nail (we parted ways after 50+ miles of walking). I whole-heartedly recommend a Disney World and Universal Studios family vacation at some point in your lives, even though the stress of it all knocked a good 3 years off of my life (I’ll die happy I suppose). I’m grateful for this entire experience, and it will be a highlight in my family’s memories forever. Spontaneity still a ho though.
The Mundame 