Sleepaway Camp

As a kid, a week long overnight kid camp was nothing more than what scary movies were based on. I remember an actual 80’s horror movie entitled , “Sleepaway Camp,” which pretty much was God’s and the Universe’s way of telling me to not even try it. And besides, it wasn’t even an option for this Asian kid. I was hardly even allowed to go to sleepovers at friends’ homes; I maybe had 5 at the most my whole life until college, which was just a giant 6 year long sleepover. So you can imagine the butt-clenching reaction I had when Reese asked if she could go to a sleepaway camp for a week with her best friend over the summer.

My initial response after I unclenched was hell no. Other than at family’s homes, she has also had very little experience with sleepovers. I believe she had 1, and it was 7 minutes away. She immediately looked disappointed, so I told her I would at least look at the website. First thing my cheap ass looked at was the price. My reaction escalated to a hell fucking no level. She offered to help with the cost, and I’m thinking, no child, those acts of kindnesss coupons aren’t real currency. Her phone was blowing up as her friend was texting her all these things she could say to get me to say yes. She starts telling me things like, “Mom, don’t you want me to become more independent and confident? Don’t you want me to bond with my friend and make new friends?” And I just took a play out of my parents’ playbook and said, “No. I can teach you that at home. Now go and do your homework.” She pouted. And I gave her a “Maybe, I’ll think about it,” which gave her enough hope to walk away with a smile. Too bad this girl doesn’t speak Filipino, because “maybe” is a Filipino “No.” Oh the white in her, always so hopeful.

I didn’t want to be completely unfair with the situation. I was mostly a no, but I wanted to at least provide her with good reasons and show her that I did my due diligence. That way she wouldn’t think I’m as unreasonable as I actually am in real life. I started texting my friend a million questions about the camp. I sounded like a maniac, asking everything from molestation to drowning to food allergies to clean bathrooms. My worries ranged from ring worm to death and everything in between. She gave me a lot of good information, and obviously she wouldn’t send her own kid to the camp if she didn’t think it was safe and a great experience for her. I began to feel some comfort knowing that if Reese were to go, she would be with a friend that had already experienced the camp last summer. The fact that my Tiger Mom mental decision tree was getting cloudy was making me anxious, so I stopped thinking about it and went to bed holding strong to a no.

Reese did not relent, she kept on persisting in the coming days and weeks. I asked Jamie to also do some research on it, so that when I gave Reese the final no, I could say Daddy said no and blame it on him. Oh the beauty of parenting. Jamie had not even thought twice about it. He could not imagine having Reese so far away. He likes the kids close, as it is probably added protection for him from me. Jamie chose to do some “research” while watching one of the March Madness games with our brother-in-law. After an entire day of drinking, he and my brother-in-law came up with the brilliant idea of, “Fuck it just let her go. How bad could it be?” In case you were wondering, Jamie did not do actual research, didn’t even know the name of the camp, but he was feeling really good about his decision. That was a fun conversation for 2 out of 3 of us in the room.

I was trying to be really honest with myself. The anxious, scared of all the dangers in the world mom in me was convinced this was a bad idea; it was one of those “if something terrible happens to her, I’ll never forgive myself” situations. And the cheap mom in me was saying, dude you are still recovering from Disney, don’t do it! But the adventurous kid in me would have loved this opportunity, especially if it was with a friend. This was an unheard of scenario when I was growing up, I didn’t even know it existed (for Asian kids at least). The most adventure I got in the summer was going to 7-11 with my friends, which was 3 blocks away. But I did mix the Coke and cherry slurpees because I’m a bad bitch like that.

Really trying to put my own fears aside, I was thinking about why she wanted to go so badly, besides her curious and adventurous spirit. And I think it came down to friendships. Reese really had a rough year with feeling like she didn’t belong to a tight friend circle. She often said things like, “I think I’m weird and that’s why no one likes me,” which later morphed into phrases like, “I’m lonely and I have no friends,” and “People put me in the ‘Nobody Cares About You’ category in my class.” So putting extra effort into strengthening the friendship with her bestie that she would be going with was probably the main factor that trumped all my other arguments against allowing her to go. Yes, building friendships beat out lice, scurvy, kidnapping and death. I’m growing soft, I tell ya!

We tabled the topic for a while to see if she would just kind of forget about it. She so quickly forgets to clean her room and do chores, but for some reason she never forgot about camp. When I noticed the registration was filling up fast, Jamie and I decided to just let her do it. But I didn’t want to seem like such a pushover about it. So I told her she had to give me a presentation on all the reasons she wants to go, all the risks that are involved, and what she will do to be alert of and avoid those risks. And I told her I wanted PowerPoint slides to accompany the presentation. She started to laugh, but in that laugh-cry kind of way because she couldn’t tell if I was messing around. I told her I was dead serious, but if she didn’t have time for the slides, then she can present without them. Jamie was sitting in the office snickering; he didn’t want anything to do with my mind games. I told her, “Hey, if you’re going to be gone from me for an entire week, you better research what each day will be like from the website, look at the activities, and really think about if this is something you want to do.” That comment was also for Jamie, since neither of them gave it a second thought. She did some light research, and began to plead her case. It sounded something like this:

Reese: “I think I should go because it will help me become a more confident, independent person. I’m going to become more responsible because I have to wake up early and make my bed everyday and keep my area clean.”

Ely: “You can do that at home. I don’t need to spend a thousand dollars for you to learn that.”

Reese: “Wait! I’m not done! I’m also going to try new things like archery and woodworking. Those are the activities I’m excited about.”

Ely: “There’s archery classes at the park district. That’s ten minutes away. And you want to do some woodworking? Daddy has tools in the garage and a bunch of wood scraps. What do you want, a saw or something? I’ll get it right now.”

Reese: “MOM! It’s not the same! Let me finish! I’m going to strengthen my friendship with “Bestie” and make new friends. You know how hard this year has been for me with having no friends. It will help me with my self-esteem.”

Ely: “What if you fight with your friends? You’re all so moody.”

Reese: “Then I’ll learn how to stand up for myself.”

Ely: “Fine. What if you get molested by a camp counselor? Or even a cabin mate? You know molestation can happen by older people or peers. What are you going to do if someone starts touching you or talking to you inappropriately?”

Reese: “I will tell the director right away if I feel uncomfortable with anything.”

Ely: “What if it’s the director?”

Reese: “Then I’ll tell my camp counselor and my friends.”

Ely: “Good. What if you are swimming in open water, like the lake, and you drown?”

Reese: “They make you take a swim test. They won’t let me in the deep end if I don’t pass the test.”

Ely: “Okay. What if you eat something you’re allergic to and you have an anaphylactic reaction and die?”

Reese: “I won’t eat anything with tree nuts. And I’ll tell someone right away if I feel like my mouth is itchy.”

Ely: “Right. What if you get home sick? You’ve only been to 1 sleepover that was not family.”

Reese: “I won’t get homesick.”

Ely: “Why not? You don’t love your family?”

Reese: “MOM!”

Ely: “Okay, okay. Daddy and I will talk about your presentation. But your case would have been stronger if it was with PowerPoint slides. Just saying.”

I went into the office and gave Jamie a chuckle. He asked if I was proud of my behavior, and I totally was. It was so fun to watch her squirm. I dropped her off at gymnastics practice, and then I texted her friend to let her give Reese the good news that she was going to go to camp with her. I told her to record her reaction too. It was perfect, so much excitement in her face as she danced and jumped for joy. It made me feel like we made the right decision.

I had a few weeks to let the decision marinate. I thought I was feeling good about the decision, until the week before camp came and slapped me in the face. I began to feel so sad as I started to get her belongings ready. I felt like she was too young to be away from me, too naive to be out there alone. Thoughts of her getting kidnapped and sex trafficked flooded my brain and all I felt was dread. My brain is so dark. I busied myself with packing and preparing, buying sunblocks and bug lotions I knew she wouldn’t remember to use, addressing and stamping postcards so she would write us everyday, and sniffing her hair as she passed just in case I’d forget her scent when she left me. Evan would periodically begin to cry and say he is going to miss her so much and he’ll be so lonely without her. He looked so pathetic, I had to look away so that I wouldn’t lose it too. She could tell we were all sad, so I think she masked her excitement. But she was ready to go, and it sucked.

The night before she left, we had a nice family dinner and watched whatever shows she wanted. I just wanted some quiet and relaxing family time, and I loved every minute with her. And then drop off day came so fast and unwelcomed, like a shart at a wedding. I made sure Jamie was ready to navigate and get us through the ride up there because I was too much of a nervous wreck, with thoughts ranging from “Did I pack everything she needs?” to “Will I never see her again?” Her friend drove with us to camp, which probably saved Reese from hearing 2 1/2 hours of my voice saying how much of a mistake I think I made letting her go. I was in a crabby-sad mood, kind of short with her, but also not wanting her to leave me. My dad used to be like that towards me when I was in college during quick weekend visits home. I remember thinking, man this guy is so cranky, he’s not even happy to see me. Turns out, this was just him dealing with me leaving again, maybe preparing himself for another goodbye. But I didn’t want Reese to feel like I wasn’t happy to be spending time with her or that I couldn’t wait to get her out of my hair, so I just checked my attitude and let some Taylor Swift songs chill me out. TayTay, she gets me.

When we got to the camp ground, I gave myself a private pep talk to keep my shit together so I don’t embarrass her in front of potential new friends. It was such a fast process, just checked her in at a parking lot, handed in her medications, and that was it. I didn’t get to see her cabin, meet her camp counselors, nothing. I could hear Keith Morrison’s voice in my head on a future Dateline episode saying, “Any of these counselors could be the next predator, or perhaps was it the nurse collecting the medications…hmmm…” Oh my God, my baby is going to be in the woods all by herself; she’s naive, too trusting, too inexperienced with the real world, what am I doing? Shut up, Keith Morrison, you’re making it worse!

I tried to hang out in line with her as long as I could, but realized we were the only family members doing that. She looked either annoyed, scared, or sad; with an RBF like hers, sometimes it’s hard to tell. I decided it was time to cut the cord and I began our goodbyes. First I hugged her friend and whispered to her to take care of my girl. Then I hugged Reese, and she gave me a 3/4 hug and kissed me on the shoulder or chest. I said in a rather appalled tone, “Dude, who kisses like that? Kiss me on the cheek like you mean it!” I embarrassed her after all, and I didn’t even try that time. I could feel her tween rage rising, so I stepped away to let Jamie in. He gave her a quiet hug and kiss, and I made sure I didn’t watch because there’s always something with father/daughter stuff that makes me tear up. Then Evan came in and gave her the biggest hug, and he would not let go. I pulled him off of her because I didn’t want her to get too down. And then I went in for seconds and gave her another hug and kiss. I was about to cry, so I stepped away and we went back to the car. As we pulled away, I saw her watching us drive away, so I made sure the three of us waved and smiled enthusiastically at her to leave her with happy vibes. When she was out of our site, my heart was in pieces.

Evan started saying things like, “Guys I miss her already.” I told him that the week would go by fast and that she’d be home before we knew it. Then I made him try to sleep in the car because I didn’t want him to keep saying that stuff. The song “With or Without You” by U2 started playing, and I just stared out the window beginning to cry, but I wouldn’t let gravity take my tears. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep because it would be the only way to get me through the ride home.

We pulled into the garage and Evan said, “It’s not even the same at home without her.” I said nothing, just went upstairs because I couldn’t listen to him anymore. He’s going to be one sappy boy when he gets dumped someday. I took a few minutes to collect myself, and when I came downstairs the dog was going nuts and Evan was literally weeping. I thought he hurt himself, so I asked what happened, and he said, “I just miss Ate so much!” I held him so tightly and I started bawling. I said, “I miss her too, but I’m happy because I know she will have so much fun.” I was lying, I was feeling so blue and empty.

Eventually we pulled it together and slowly tried to continue on with the week without Reese. We emailed her every night, including the dog, and we checked incessantly for any email reply. You wouldn’t believe how often a desperate parent can refresh their camp email app just to see if their kid is alive. The camp tries to remind the parents not to worry if they don’t hear back from their kids, it means they are having fun. Well fuck that shit, that’s stupid and unacceptable, even if it totally makes sense. Reese eventually responded twice, and it was as if the clouds parted and the heavens opened their gates and the message of an angel appeared. Okay, maybe not that majestic, but it was still a really exciting time. We even got 2 postcards from her, and it was just nice to see her handwriting. I didn’t even mind (that much) all of her spelling and grammatical errors. She put my heart at ease and reassured me that she was having fun with all the new activities, making lots of new friends, but still missed us. She even added that she had a new crush, so I knew for sure it wasn’t an imposter. It helped the time go by faster knowing that she was happy.

Still, days without her were tough. I kept Evan super busy with constant activities and play dates so that he wouldn’t feel so lonely. Though it didn’t feel right, we still went to our usual spot to watch the fireworks on the 4th of July. Admittedly, I held back tears thinking Reese should be with us. But then I reminded myself that she is probably having her own 4th of July celebration up at the camp that is probably twice as fun. Jamie was quiet, hardly said a word as the fireworks went off, so I knew he was missing her too. When we got home he said, “When these kids go away for college, I think you are going to have to put me in an institution.” We’ll probably go together, hopefully we could be roommates. I call dibs on the Xanax.

On the eve of her return, I could not sleep at all. I was both so excited and terrified. On one hand, I could not wait to have Reese back home. On the other hand, I started thinking of all these scary scenarios, like what if she came home with lice, or worse, what if they got into a terrible car accident on the way home and I never saw them again. Yep, the What-if Monster got me again. I had to say a prayer just to quiet my brain and trust that she was going to get home safely.

My baby girl came home the next day, alive and in one piece, and I just hugged and kissed her until she couldn’t take it anymore. I was probably embarrassing her in front of her friend and my friend, but I didn’t care. I swear she grew 3 inches in a week and looked like a teenager. The million fears that clouded my brain disappeared the second I held her, and I could finally take a safe breath.

Reese spent the entire day telling me all about camp, from stories of what she and her bestie did together, to her new friends she made, to the different activities she tried, to co-ed dances and fire pit nights. She spent hours playing in the lake, tried paddle boarding and wind surfing, archery, braiding her friends’ hair, getting to know new people, and probably talking shit about her mom like daughters do. She said she loved the food, but added that mine was better (because she’s not an idiot). She had to make her bed everyday and had their cabins inspected everyday for cleanliness, which for a few days carried over into her home life, which I happily welcomed. I thought, damn this is fantastic, I’m about to send Jamie and Evan to camp if they come back here and start cleaning up after themselves too! It didn’t last much longer than a week unfortunately, but that one week was nice.

Perhaps the most spoken about camp topic was her new camp crush that she decided was pretty much her boyfriend, even though she never spoke to him, does not know his last name, his phone number, or what town he lives in. She said she saw him day 1 and thought he was cute, but didn’t have the courage to talk to him. But she sure did talk about him a lot to other friends. She said he and his friends approached her and her girlfriends at the dance and he “almost” asked her to dance. I asked, “Well, how do you know he was going to ask you to dance?” And she responded, “Ugh, Mom, I just know! Don’t ruin it!” Haha, classic me, just ruining her life. She said she was talking about how cute he was one day while they were on the beach, and another girl asked who she was talking about, and Reese pointed him out. The girl said, “Ewww, that guy? That’s my brother!” Then she ran away and told him. Reese said she was mortified and continued to be awkward around him and NOT talk to him, and I thought to myself, oh thank God she’s got her father’s “Rizz” and not mine. On the last day of camp, she said she watched him and his sister walk onto the bus, and he turned around towards her and made a heart with his hands towards her, the way you would picture Justin Bieber doing in one of his stupid music videos. She awkwardly waved back at him, and probably decided then and there that they were boyfriend and girlfriend. It is such a cute and innocent story, I just listened and let her revel in her daydream. I periodically brought her back to Earth and told her he is not her boyfriend because, you know, they never spoke and barely made eye contact. It reminded me so much of the Brady Bunch episode where Jan made up her boyfriend, George Glass. Coincidentally, this camp boy’s name is also George, which makes this story funnier to me. When the camp pictures came out, she eagerly searched for him. She showed me his picture, and oh hell no, he resembled what Jamie looked like as a boy! Daddy issues much? And what did Jamie think of all this? Of course it made him feel uncomfortable every time she spoke about him, which was basically constantly. But I was like, dude this is the safest “boyfriend” she will ever have, as he is nearly imaginary, so enjoy it.

Thinking back to everything Reese presented as her “pitch” to us as to why camp would serve her well, she was spot on. I can definitely tell she is more independent, more confident, she grew closer to her bestie and made new friends, and she seems so much happier than she was during the school year. She is a good kid that keeps getting better with time and experience. She did not do woodworking though, so I guess I need to get her a hand saw and some wood so she could get her Geppetto on and whittle a puppet version of her camp crush and wish him to life.

As for me, I suppose despite losing approximately 7 years off my life from worry and sadness, it was a good experience for me too. I learned that I’m a fucking spaz and need to relax a bit. I learned that Keith Morrison is in my head too much, and maybe if my inner voice was more like Conan O’Brien I might live a little lighter. Mostly, I learned to let go just a little bit and let my little girl fly. I don’t like it one bit, but I’ll do it, so long as she flies back home to me from time to time to say hi and tell me she’s loving life.

Now before I am accused of being a sap, I will end this entry with sharing the messages that our dog, Alby, wrote to Reese while she was away. It’s best if you read them in a Filipino accent because, though she is an Australian Shepherd, she is in spirit a full-fledged Filipino. Enjoy!

7/4/23
Ate, I’m scared. Dur is so mots boom booms in the night times. I am bery nerbous op da big sounds. Don’t gib it to me. Lubs you, Alby

7/5/23
Ate, durs a thunder boom booms today. I hiding in da shoes room. Smell of peets makes me peel sape. I hab a questions por you…is der sticks in your camp? I eat dat. Gib it to me. Lub, Alby

7/6/23
Ate, dis morning I put my head under da pence and rub mud all ober my body and I smell so good and presh. Then that lady Mom shout to me dat I smell stinks, and you know what she did? She put me in da shower and make me so sad. I make cries when she takes away my smells. Den I shake my body and make her wet and she scream. I ran upstairs and make whole house wet. She spray someting on me dat make me so stinks. Bad day for Alby. Come home and hug me, I take you por a walk. Lub, Alby.